Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Retirement Benefits

These are really hilarious and quite true, too.....

Enjoy!
Raziya


                 
At the root of every gray hair, there is a dead brain cell.


You can live without sex
but not your glasses.

10..
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge.

12..
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks

into the room.

13.
You sing along
with elevator music.

14..
Your eyes won't get
much worse..

15.
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.

16..
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.

18..
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
a manageable size.

19.
You can't remember
who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all
in big print
for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone
You can remember
Right now!

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Never, NEVER,
NEVER ,
Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Life Laws.

The following are so hilarious but also very true Enjoy!

Raziya

Life Laws... 
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3.
 Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.
 Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
6.
 Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7.
 Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8.
 Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9.
 Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10.
 Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11..
 Law of the Theatre & Sports Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The spectators in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly types.
12.
 The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.
 Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14.
 Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15.
 Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16.
 Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.
 Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.
  Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19.
 Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Gas Bill

While this is hilarious, I really sympathize with this guy's misadventures with his 'service' provider.

It also must remind lots of you about our own billing systems (is that one of the reasons that KPLC is going prepaid...?), where we get very strange bills sometimes. 

Fortunately, in the case below, he managed to get the court to redress his predicament though, I don't think it would be possible in this country during our lifetime.

Enjoy reading and finding comfort that we are not alone in our collective suffering at the hands of 'service' providers.

Enjoy

THE GAS BILL
Anything managed through bureaucracies!!!.You will like this! ... And it is a true story!

A man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and
they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the
account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
Had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0..00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00
and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate
steps to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks
at the local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties
he had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome
was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show cause,
within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court
for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.
Who employs these idiots?

This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Aging Gracefully!!!!

I'm fwding this on, not to see what happens to my screen if I  fwd this to 7 people out there, but, it's something really worth reading..

Those to whom it applies, enjoy being old!

Raziya
Please send back. ( I did ) It's neat.  Don't delete this one, you'll laugh when you see the return message.

As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself.  I've become my own friend.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon?  I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.
I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful.  But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken.  How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?  But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion.  A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.


I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.  So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong
So, to answer your question, I like being old.  It has set me free.  I like the person I have become.  I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.  And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it). 
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!

Forward this to at least 7 people, and see what happens on your screen. You will laugh your head off!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, January 14, 2013

The day that Albert Einstein feared may have finally arrived.

Unfortunately, we REALLY are there already. 

Take a look around you the next time you're at any public place and especially where young people congregate...

An anthropologist would really enjoy studying this current species 

Raziya


The day that Albert Einstein feared may have finally arrived.




Having coffee with friends.


A day at the beach.



Cheering on your team.




Having dinner out with your friends.




Out on an intimate date.




Having a conversation with your BFF




A visit to the museum




Enjoying the sights




Monday, December 31, 2012

Some lessons in English !!!

Very enjoyable.... and hope you all have a fantastic NEW YEAR and may all your troubles for the coming year be as short-lived as your New Year Resolutions

Raziya

Who comes up with this - stressed and desserts seriously ? 

Some good lessons in English !!!


.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Body art - What Next !!!!

Wow! What an imagination!

Raziya



Body art - What Next !!!!

With zips, power plugs, laces and buttons adorning their bodies, these young models look like something out of a travelling freak show.
But they are in fact the latest walking exhibits of Japanese artist Chooo-San's incredible illusionary make-up art. 
Bored with digitally enhanced pictures, the 19-year-old student decided to see how far she could push her limits without technology - with impressive results.



Japanese college student and artist, Choo-San, has created more  incredible makeup art illusions on people's bodies
Japanese college student and artist, Choo-San, has created more incredible makeup art illusions on people's bodies
Using only acrylic paints, these amazingly realistic images are enough to make anyone look twice.
Chooo-San, a first year student at Musashino Art University in Tokyo, Japan, garnered attention in June when she painted misplaced mouths, extra eyes and eerie robotic extras to the human body.
For her second tranche of work, she painted lifelike zips, buttons and shoes laces to skin of her willing friends to give the illusion they are bursting at the seams.
Bored with digitally enhanced pictures, the 19-year-old student  decided to see how far she could push her limits without technology -  with impressive results.
Bored with digitally enhanced pictures, the 19-year-old student decided to see how far she could push her limits without technology - with impressive results
Using only acrylic paints, these amazingly realistic images are  enough to make anyone look twice
Using only acrylic paints, these amazingly realistic images are enough to make anyone look twice
Using no digital-editing, the bizarre body-modifications are painstakingly applied using just paint, and they no doubt give passers-by a fright.
Chooo-San discovered her talent after doodling eyes on the back of her own hand during breaks from studying for university admission exams.
But it soon evolved to painting on other people and creating creepy effects such as adding multiple facial and robotic-style features.
The first year student at Musashino Art University in Tokyo,  Japan, garnered attention in June when she painted misplaced mouths,  extra eyes and eerie robotic extras to the human body
The first year student at Musashino Art University in Tokyo, Japan, garnered attention in June when she painted misplaced mouths, extra eyes and eerie robotic extras to the human body
Using no digital-editing, the bizarre body-modifications are  painstakingly applied using just paint, and they no doubt give  passers-by a fright
Using no digital-editing, the bizarre body-modifications are painstakingly applied using just paint, and they no doubt give passers-by a fright
She has also painted a power plug on someone's back, a light switch on a neck, a digital display on a hand and a battery compartment on an arm.
Chooo-San explains: 'I don't really have a reason why I started doing those pictures. But I guess I was a little sick of everyone making pictures with their computers and wanted to see how far I can go without those technologies such as Photoshop.
'My works are all done with acrylic paints. They are all painted on skin directly and I don't use computers or anything to change the picture afterwards.'
For her second tranche of work, Chooo-San painted lifelike zips,  buttons and shoes laces to the skin of her willing friends to give the  illusion they are bursting at the seams
For her second tranche of work, Chooo-San painted lifelike zips, buttons and shoes laces to the skin of her willing friends to give the illusion they are bursting at the seams
Chooo-San discovered her talent after doodling eyes on the back of  her own hand during breaks from studying for university admission  exams
Chooo-San discovered her talent after doodling eyes on the back of her own hand during breaks from studying for university admission exams.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Have a laugh | The Muslim Times

Have a laugh | The Muslim Times:

'via Blog this'

End of the World ?

Have a good laugh at the 'end of the world':)))))
End of the World ?
Australian Doomsday
Weather Forecast

          Two Mayans
September Babies
Mayan Wife
Best sales ever
NASA and Doomsday
Noah's ARK Boarding Pass
Calendar Error
    And finally….

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

You lakka inzects? De caakruch is good Heezam vacts

I know that the following facts might make you want to throw up since very few people are fond of these pests, but, it's useful info for getting rid of them or the futility of trying to.

Unfortunately, they can thrive in quite extreme temperatures.

Read on.....

Raziya
All American pest roaches--like most American humans--were immigrants.

Roaches wear their skeletons on the outside of their bodies.

What if you skinned your knee and white blood came out? If you're a cockroach, no big deal. Cockroaches bleed white blood.

Roach mouths work sideways. Try it sometime.

Roaches use their feelers as noses.

The world's largest roach is six inches long with a one-foot wingspan.

The world's largest roach lives in South America.

Some roaches are tiny and live in ant nests.

Tropical cockroaches are often brightly colored green, yellow, red.

If you were to collect one of every species of cockroach found in the world, you'd need a lot of jars to put them in. There are some 5,000 species of cockroaches worldwide.

Most species of cockroaches live in the tropics.

Cockroaches have six hairy legs. The tiny hairs found on each leg give them their sense of touch.

Cockroaches have 6 legs and least 18 knees!!!

Many cockroaches can fly and have beautiful diaphanous--or see-through--wings. Tinkerbelle would be jealous.

Cockroach kidneys look like a bunch of writhing snakes. (Yak!)

Pregnant for life? It doesn't sound like much fun, but some female cockroaches mate once and are pregnant for the rest of their lives.

Roaches live all over the world, including the North and South Poles. In extremely cold places, however, they survive by moving in with humans.

No food for a month--not even a crumb? Roaches can go without eating for a month but will only live a week without water.

It's hard to sneak up on a roach. They have one great big nerve connecting their tails to their heads, alerting them to danger from behind.

Roaches have faster reflexes than humans--even faster than Michael Jordan's.

Roaches can swim and hold their breath for 40 minutes. But they breathe through their sides--not their noses--which makes it tough to come up for air.

Do you run away when your big brother takes off his smelly tennis shoes? Not roaches. They recognize family and friends by their distinctive odors.

You outgrow your clothes; roaches outgrow their skeletons. As roaches grow, they shed their external skeletons several times a year.

No, it's not an albino. If you see a white cockroach, it has just shed its skin.

A cockroach that has just shed its skin is white with black eyes. (Just call it Casper the Cockroach.) After eight hours, however, it will regain its regular shell coloring.

American cockroaches are speedy little creatures. They can run up to three miles in an hour.

Ever wonder how cockroaches climb walls? They are equipped with a set of little claws on their feet designed for that very purpose.

Male cockroaches weigh less than female cockroaches, and males can fly and flee faster.

Pest cockroaches are native to western Asia and northern Africa.

Cockroaches were carried all over the world in wooden ship. They were the sailors and stowaways of the insect world. Sir Francis Drake once captured a ship which was overrun with millions of roaches.

The H.M.S. "Bounty" was so infested with cockroaches that Captain William Bligh, a British admiral known for his mean temper, disinfected the entire ship with boiling water.

Cockroaches in your gourmet dinner? Maybe not as a main dish, but they have been used in sauces, condiments and as appetizers.

Don't complain next time you have to swallow cough syrup. You could be taking a dose of cockroaches instead! Processed cockroaches have been used to cure illnesses and physical disorders for centuries.

More cockroach tea, anyone? Brewed from cockroaches, this tea has been used to treat dropsy--a kind of sickness or inflammation.

Next time you have trouble going pee, and your urinary tract just doesn't want to go with the flow, why not try dried and powdered Oriental cockroaches? They are said to make a dandy diuretic.

Eat too much pizza? Cotton candy? Thanksgiving dinner? Some people eat cockroaches fried in oil and garlic as a cure for indigestion.

If you're ever stung by a sting ray, remember to mash up a mess of cockroaches to apply as a poultice to the wound.

The cockroach was once a guest of honor in European homes, and it was customary to release them in new dwellings.

Some people develop allergies to cockroaches, including skin rashes and respiratory problems, such as a condition similar to asthma.

A cockroach family tree would be mighty big and long! Cockroaches are thought to have originated during the Carboniferous era, which ended 280 million years ago. They have been abundant ever since and are some of the most primitive winged insects.

Soft food moves through a cockroach's gut in 48 hours.

A vampire's dream: blood that sloshes around freely in a body.

Roaches' blood does just that. They have no blood vessels to speak of. (Though cockroaches are probably too small for your average vampire to bother with.)

A cockroach heart is nothing but a simple tube with valves. The tube can pump blood backwards and forwards in the insect. The heart can even stop moving without harming the roach.

Female roaches produce an odor, called pheromone, that attracts males and drives them wild.

When a male cockroach is interested in a female, he gives her a wrapped gift and takes her out to dinner--well, sort of. Males transfer sperm to females in a nice, "gift wrapped" package called a spermatophore. Some males cover the package in a protein-rich wrapping that she can eat (yum!) to obtain nutrients to raise her young.

The Headless Horseman? Er... Horseroach? For a while anyway. A cockroach can live a week without its head. It only dies because without a mouth, it can't drink water.

Cockroaches are supreme couch potatoes. They spend 75 percent of their time resting.

How can you tell if a cockroach is resting or trying to remember what it came into the room for? Resting roaches point their antennae up and forward, and at about a 60 degree angle from one another.

Cockroaches can crawl into some astonishingly small spaces. Young roaches need only a crevice .5 mm wide--or a space as thin as a dime. Adult males can squeeze into a space of 1.6 mm--or the size of a quarter. Pregnant females need the most space of all to hide: 4.5 mm or a space as wide as two stacked nickels.

Some female roaches incubate their egg cases in their bodies until they are ready to hatch. These babies stay with their mothers a day or two after they are born.

Picture a cockroach in a winter parka and mittens. Pest cockroaches can withstand freezing temperature of 32 degrees but will die if the temperature goes much below that. They're better off if they have a chance to become "used" to the cold.


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All Facts Supplied by: New Jersey Online®